


My hopes are so high (your kiss might kill me)

by Itty_Bitty_Blondie



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Episode Related, M/M, Post-Break Up, Reunions, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:48:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22260601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Itty_Bitty_Blondie/pseuds/Itty_Bitty_Blondie
Summary: He misses Callum so much he can barely breathe through it most days. Even as he misses him, he’s glad he’s not here. He’d told Louise that Callum would break him. He doesn’t realise how true that is until Callum is stood in front of him in the office of the car lot.He looks exactly the same in every way. A little tired around the eyes maybe, but other than that the sight of him is like coming up for air, finally. It’s as though the last three weeks never happened.For a brief moment, he lets himself believe that they haven’t.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 4
Kudos: 76





	My hopes are so high (your kiss might kill me)

**Author's Note:**

> A short reflection on Ben's state of mind over the past couple of weeks and in 14.01.2020 ep. 
> 
> Max absolutely killed me tonight, and I found myself unable to resist. I am living for all of this angst, so I thought I'd add a little bit more of my own.
> 
> Title from Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional

Something has been growing in the pit of Ben’s stomach all day. All week.

If he’s being honest, it hasn’t gone away since Christmas. 

Somehow Ben is the one in the middle of this train wreck when three other people are supposed to be right there with him. He will not break. He can’t. Despite everything he has tried Louise is still about to lose it at any moment, not that Ben blames her, to be honest. Peggy is a lifeline, though. She is so small and innocent, completely unaware of the chaos she has been born into. When— _if_ – they all get through this, she will be the one beacon of hope left over. 

For a long moment, it almost seemed that he had finally found a way to make Phil proud until he wasn’t anymore. How fucked up is that? A man is dead, and Ben did it for him, and still, his Dad finds reasons to sneer at him.

Of all of them, Ben is the one caught up in this the deepest. In another universe, one where he had a normal dad and a normal family, Ben’s life would be pretty perfect right now. He’d been looking forward to the holidays. Shoulda knew that there is no such thing as a merry Christmas in Walford. Instead, he’s alone. Even Lola and Jay are giving him a wide berth at the moment. 

Funnily enough, Lola is the one who won’t back off. She has always been a nosy cow, and she’s even worse when it comes to the people she cares about. Ben has ended up in that select group somehow. He’d never tell her to her face, but it’s nice, makes them seem like a proper family. 

Not that she’d let him within a mile of Lexi if she knew what he’s done. 

He doesn’t let himself think about that for too long. 

She bugs him about his dark mood constantly. She’s also the only one to confront him directly about Callum, corners him while he’s hiding at Ian’s one afternoon once Lex is back at school. 

He’s sitting on the sofa, staring into space, desperately trying to think of nothing at all when Lola’s sharp voice pulls Ben away from his thoughts.

“Are you going to tell me what the hell you think you’re playing at then”

He looks up, and she is stood by the stairs, levelling him with an unimpressed look. “I left it be over Christmas, but now that’s over with I want you to tell me exactly what you think you’re doing with Callum.”

Ben sighs and averts his gaze. He’s lucky to have made it this long without someone bringing it up properly. Figures that she wouldn’t let it go for long without having her say. Still, that doesn’t mean he wants to tell her anything about it. “None of your business is it.” Ben sniffs and tries to remain detached. 

“None of my business? Are you havin’ a laugh.” Lola exclaims. “For starters, Lexi has asked me when Callum is coming back every day this week.”

Ben looks away, guilt prickling in his stomach.

“An if we ignore that, I’m your mate, Ben, I want you to be happy, and Callum made you really happy. I ain’t seen you like that in years, and it’s good for you.” Lola sits down next to him on the sofa. “It don’t make any sense from where I’m standing, so explain it to me, because right now you look like a massive dick, I’m not gonna lie.”

 _I am a massive Dick_ Ben wants to tell her. _I broke his heart and mine and now look at me._ He doesn’t, of course. 

“Just ran its course didn’t it.” Ben tries. He even sounds half convincing this time. “‘e was a bit of fun for a while there, but it was never going to work long term.” 

Lola gapes at him, like actually properly sits there speechless, mouth hanging open rage on her face for a good thirty seconds before she replies. The longer it stretches on, the more uncomfortable he becomes. 

“That has to be the biggest load of Bullshit I ‘av ever heard come outa your mouth.” Lola exclaims loudly, “That boy is the best thing that has ever happened to you, Ben Mitchell, so I hope you pull that stick out of your arse before it’s too late.” 

Once she’s said her piece, she leaves him alone, though he can feel her eyes watching him if he broods to hard in the corner. Rather than letting her build up steam, he avoids Ian’s as much as possible. There are too many people in that house who care about him. His Mum, Lola, Lex. Even Ian in his weird way. Every time they smile at him, or offer some comfort, his skin crawls away from it. 

Each time he reaches out to hug Lexi, he wants to snatch his hands away again. He doesn’t want to fuck up her life in the same way that Phil has fucked up his. It’s easier to just leave them be. 

He carefully creates the impression that he’s back to his old ways, stays out all night and comes home rumpled in last night’s clothes. It’s easier to pretend that he is spending the nights with a string of nameless faces rather than the bottom of a bottle and too many memories. He tries sex once, the guy is short, skinny with dark eyes lined in too much kohl, a million miles away from the person he really wants but when he reaches for Ben’s belt his whole body surges with the urge to get as far away as possible. He pushes away, out into the alley. Tears burn in his eyes as he empty’s the contents of his stomach into the gutter. 

He drinks more than before. More than he should a voice whispers in the back of his mind. The sins of the father are to be laid upon the children and all that. If he could stop, he would, but he only sleeps now when he’s absolutely bladdered. Without it, he dreams. Keanu’s face mixes with Heathers in his mind every time. Once Callum’s face joins them. Ben doesn’t try to sleep sober after that. 

He misses Callum so much he can barely breathe through it most days. Even as he misses him, he’s glad he’s not here. 

He’d told Louise that Callum would break him. He doesn’t realise how true that is until Callum is stood in front of him in the office of the car lot. 

He looks exactly the same in every way. A little tired around the eyes maybe, but other than that the sight of him is like coming up for air, finally. It’s as though the last three weeks never happened. 

For a brief moment, he lets himself believe that they haven’t. 

Callum’s hands are large and warm as they cup Ben’s face, pull him closer, desperately searching for more skin to uncover. It feels like they’re branding him. Each sweep marking him as Callum’s. 

They aren’t gentle with each other. They fuck, hard, Ben pressed into Jay’s desk, gasping and writhing and pushing paperwork everywhere. Callum looms over him, grips his arms tight and thrusts hard and deep in the way he knows Ben loves. 

It’s fast and desperate right up until Callum brings a hand up to Ben’s face and cups his jaw lightly. One thumb caresses his cheek, and they kiss, gently. It’s so tender it almost brings Ben to tears, so he pulls away slightly to bite at Callum’s lip, and they’re right back at it. 

“You know there’s easier ways of getting a discount on a motor dontcha?” he jokes weakly as they pull their clothes back on. Callum’s hair is all over the place, the same as it is every morning. Seeing it again makes Ben’s chest light.

“I’ve missed you,” Callum replies gently. 

It brings Ben up short. “Yeah.” He says slowly. “Yeah I missed you too.” He can’t fully meet Callum’s eyes as he says it. 

“So why’d you break up with me then?” Callum asks. 

That snaps Ben right out of it. Right out of whatever trance he’s been in since Callum walked through the door. 

This was a mistake; it was a fun one, but it was a mistake.” The words are directed at Callum, but they’re mostly directed at himself. 

“Well it didn’t feel like one Ben.” 

“Yeah well, it was.” 

“Now I’d uh…” He takes a glance at the state they’ve left the office in. Jay is going to murder him, he thinks absently. “I’d better get back to work. See you later, yeah?” 

“I spoke to Stuart. He told me about Sharon and Keanu. Is that why you’ve been acting so weird lately? You can talk to me Ben. Did something happen?” 

Dread settles into Ben’s stomach at the mention of Keanu’s name. He wants to tell him everything desperately, but he can’t. He’s always known he couldn’t. Callum wants to be a copper for Christ’s sake. 

“Look at you, you’re not even a copper yet, and here you are with all the questions” He tries to deflect.

“Enough with the stupid jokes Ben. I just want to know what’s going on with you. I want to know the truth.” 

Callum’s voice is angry and a little bit desperate. Ben wants to make it go away, to soothe Callum’s anger and to go back to before. He can’t, though. He won’t tie Callum to him now. 

“You’re too good for me, Callum. You’re too good for me. That’s the truth.” Callum huffs out a little laugh in disbelief so Ben ploughs on. “Now why don’t you do us both a favour and walk away this will all end in tears. They won’t be mine.”

Callum stands there for a few long seconds. Ben keeps his eyes firmly on the ground. 

He can’t look at Callum as he leaves. If he looks at him now he will break and cry and spill everything. Ben is the one at the middle of this train wreck when there are three other people who are supposed to be right there with him. He will not break. He can’t. 

There’s no way to turn back now. Ben has done plenty of things that he regrets and some more that he can’t even think about. This bone-deep feeling that he has crossed a great big moral line is inescapable. 

He knew from the beginning that Callum was too good for him, but somewhere along the line, he lost sight of it. Tricked him into thinking Ben is better, kinder than he actually is. He should have sat Callum down and talked through his past. 

Callum knew he must know what with the way that the square talks but none of it had actually come from Ben’s mouth. It’s one of the ways he manages to keep it at a distance in his own mind. Keanu is entirely different. Killing him isn’t exactly something he feels guilty about. Not like… well not like last time. 

He can’t look Callum in the eye now. He’s fallen, so much further than he thought it was possible to fall again. If they had talked about it before then maybe, maybe Ben could explain it but he’s always been too scared. So terrified that Callum would look into all his twisted and broken parts and run as fast as he can in the other direction. 

Cal is good and kind, and he deserves so much more than Ben Mitchell could ever offer him. If he knew what Ben had done now, he would never look at him in the same way again. He couldn’t possibly love him now. 

He’s terrified that the Ben Mitchell that Callum is in love with doesn’t exist. He never has. 

He still doesn’t feel guilty. That has to mean something, right? It has to be an indication that he is seriously messed up somehow. 

There is no guilt, about Keanu but Ben has plenty of regrets. Plenty of rage too. At Phil, for pulling him back into this when he was so close to actually getting free. At Sharon, for bringing this bomb into their family in the first place. At himself for still being so weak. For needing Phil’s approval so badly that he can never just say no and turn away. For convincing himself that he deserved Callum in the first place. 

The next twenty-four hours feel like walking through treacle. Ben is the one in the middle of this train wreck when three other people are supposed to be right there with him. He will not break. He can’t. Even if everyone else is. He doesn’t trust Lisa not to go squealing to the old Bill any more that he trust Louise right now. Any more than he believes Dad, in all honesty. 

He’s so tired. He’s been carrying the weight of everything he’s lost already. 

Seeing Callum on an almost date, after Rainie's stupid jibes earlier is the final straw. Even before the words come out of his mouth he knows that he's going to make a fool out of himself. He knows it's going to make Callum angry. Thats most of the reason that he does it.

After Callum storms out Ben can't stand to stay in the café, too many people are staring and its making the skin on the back of his neck prickle. 

He heads back to Dad's instead. The house is quiet and empty. He doesn't know where Dad is, doesn't want to know either. He sits on the sofa nursing a beer and waits for the day to blur away. 

He's about half way there when theres a nock at the back door. 

Ben is not expecting Callum to be on the other side, but maybe he should have. Callum has always had a tallent for defying his expectations. 

"Who’d you think you are, eh?" He demands, marching into the living room. 

“So much for leaving you alone.” 

Callum ignores him. “What gives you the right to just swan in an outa my life whenever you want?” he demands “Tell me who I can date, who I can sit with. What am I to you what just some little project you can pick up or throw away when you want to. 

“Sorry, it won’t happen again.” 

“That was Jack’s mate Ben. He was helping me with my police assessment. What do you think I could just move on that quick?” 

Ben shrugs slightly. 

“I’m not scared, Ben. What a few dodgy car deals. A black eye and a few stitches here and there. What do you think that scares me?” Callum’s tone is so dismissive, so obviously mocking. That he could handle, Ben knows that now. He wishes desperately that it was something that easy.”

“I thought about it a lot while I was away and I can handle it, Ben. I ain’t gotta agree with every decision you make, but I can handle it, Ben. For you.”

Ben can feel Callum’s eyes burning into his. He can feel the sincerity in his voice when he speaks. 

“For you, Ben, because I love you.” 

“Listen, I can’t just—” Ben tries to distract him. 

“No.” Callum cuts him off. “You want this too, and that is why yesterday happened. So you give me one good reason why this can’t happen. One proper reason and I will walk away.” 

Ben stares ahead at the coffee table, absently biting at the raw skin around his thumbnail. It’s an old habit from years ago. One Stella _trained_ him out of. It’s still what he does when he’s losing control. Right now, he has lost control. He had been right, Callum is breaking him apart.

There’s a spiteful part of him that wants to prove him wrong. He can’t let Callum continue to think that he could possibly love him. 

“Because a man’s dead. A man’s dead because of me.” 

“What do you mean who’s dead?”

“You know how I feel about you Callum, you know.” Even now, he can’t bring himself to say it. To admit that _now_ and have him walk away afterwards is too much. “I meant what I said. You’re too good for me. And this ain’t a few stolen cars and a black eye, its more than that and it always, always will be.” 

He forces himself to look up at him as he lays the final blow. He needs to see the disgust on Callum’s face himself. Deserves the hurt it will cause. “Now you sit there, and you tell me that you ain’t scared. Now you sit there and tell me you’ll love me no matter what. Nows your chance. Prove it.” He wants it to be a challenge, but instead, he just sounds broken. 

A single tear rolls down Cal’s face. 

For one, desperate, hopeless moment, Ben thinks Callum might actually stay. That he might pull Ben close and hold him tight enough to make everything else go away. He might prove him wrong. 

He doesn’t, of course. 

It hurts. It hurts more than watching him marry Whit, more than being shot, more than the break-up. It hurts like Paul hurt. As though something essential in him has been ripped out. Only this time it’s entirely Ben’s fault. 

His whole body shakes with sobs as he curses his desperate heart for hoping so selfishly. He should have known that the world hurts so much more when you have hope. He is an impossible creature to love once you see the essence of him. It’s twisted and cruel and so incredibly weak. There is no reason for Callum to stick around now that he can see it too. 

He wishes, more than anything that Callum had just stayed away. But then that would be too kind, and Ben doesn’t deserve kindness, not after everything he’s done. 

He sits in the silence of his Dad’s living room and cries himself out. He hasn’t cried like this since Paul. Since he broke down in his parents arms in the hallway, screaming and cursing the universe. There’s no one here to comfort him this time. He doesn’t deserve it. 

He sobs until his throat is raw, and his whole body hurts from the exertion. Until there’s nothing left in him but a steady stream of silent tears streaming down his face as he nurses another beer. By the time it’s empty, he can almost convince himself that he’s numb.

He hopes that Callum leaves, or ignores him, even as he wants him to come back. He holds tight to the numbness and prays that it will last.

Love like this is a weakness. Ben is a Mitchell, there can be no room for weaknesses now.

Ben is the one in the middle of this train wreck, he reminds himself. Three other people are supposed to be right there with him, but they’re not.

He will not break. He will not break. He will not break.

He can’t. 

**Author's Note:**

> I actually can't believe I've just written 3000 words of Eastenders fanfiction... 
> 
> I just love the two of them and I needed to get this out of my system. I can't wait to see how their storyline unfolds in the next couple of weeks.


End file.
